Any good grief therapist will tell you that there is no timeline for grief. Sure, there are points along the way we expect to be difficult: the six month mark; holidays, birthdays, anniversaries; and, of course, the first year death day. After that year though, a lot of people (mistakenly) think the worst is over. It makes sense, in a way: all the firsts are out of the way so now your grief can soften, and maybe even go away.

Unfortunately, there’s nothing magical about that one year milestone. Grief doesn’t just disappear. It changes, certainly, but it’s not a straight line you walk down. So when my clients tell me they don’t understand why they still feel so sad because, “it’s been over a year,” I have to remind them that maybe their expectations are unrealistic. If you loved someone for decades, as some of us are lucky enough to do, one year without them is not going to be enough time to make that loss feel like less.

That first year is tough, expectedly. The magical thinking that things will get better after that year can cause a lot of disappointment and distress. You aren’t doing something wrong if the weight of your grief isn’t getting any lighter after 365 days have passed. In fact, grief is normal. Grief is good. Pain is part of healing.

Most importantly, you don’t have to deal with that pain by yourself. You can talk about how you feel with others; share memories with them; give yourself some grace. You aren’t broken if you’re struggling with loss. You’re only human.